Essays of an Equestrian

Spring is here and we’re all dusting ourselves off, ready to ride in anticipation of the glory weather days of the better three seasons. That evil fourth season, winter, still tries to hang on from time to time, but clearly winter knows its ass has been kicked to the curb by spring and that it’s time to head for a different hemisphere.

Actually, I don’t really care where winter goes, as long as it is gone from here.

I find myself bouncing back and forth between waiting for spring and trying to expedite spring. I’ve raked the last leaves up (they seem to still be multiplying though they were cleaned in the fall) and I’ve planted new lily bulbs.

For those who are unaware I take great pride in my garden, especially my array of lilies. I grow lilies (except for tiger lilies) because they are non toxic to wandering chickens. Chickens who find them delicious, and from whom they must be protected until fall comes and my very active hens can take them down to dirt again just about in an instant.

I jump all over the gardening thing as soon as the weather permits because I want it done so I can hang out Bar-B-Q-ing. Plus I want to spend time at the barn when it’s warmer out, my favorite temperatures being from 60-85 degrees for riding. The only thing I can’t do is plant the veggies yet, though my grape vines will soon be getting clipped and whacked back. My vines grew like mad last year and for the first time my three year old grape plants tossed out some grapes, though they were mutant grapes which didn’t mature perfectly. I’ve read that this year they would. They had better!!

My horse is shedding like a banshee, though I’m not even sure what a banshee is or if it sheds. I’m also amazed at the amount of winter hair my horse as he’s a thoroughbred and really never grows a winter coat anyway. Almost like a horse going from crew cut to bald as a winter coat sheds into summer sleakness.

He’s shiny, energetic and raring to go. If only I were like that!! My middle age catches up with me more and more it seems as bones creak and thighs bulge. My lower back has this weird thing happening in that it hurts during yard work, bending or sitting a boingey trot, but as soon as I stop it’s fine again. What’s up with that?

My bra size has expanded and now I think I should just sew two or three of my old bras together to make something which fits better. It’s better than having to go out and buy a size Kazillion Triple G. In my mind, (though sadly my mirror disagrees) I’m still ravishing, 20 years old and a 130 pounds. This is my story and I’m sticking to it!!!

So my doc now has me on thyroid meds and with the ever increasing doses I find myself with more and more energy, which is good, because I was really starting to wonder there for a while if I would soon be unable to walk from the bed to the potty and I anticipated the need for one of those pantie pads – maybe even the faux item I made up in one of my video creations “Earls Pony Personal Panty Pads”.

I am determined to once again become the strong, brave beast bitch I once was. I need warm weather to help. Help get me outside and help with sunkissed energy. Longer daylight hours mean I can get things done at home after work, making weekends less complicated. Or at least that’s the plan.

I am sure many of you fellow middle aged amateurs are feeling the same and I want to encourage you that you can do it!! There just might be a little discreet peeing when you drive your horse forward with your seat, or perhaps an escaped poof of a fart when you drive them forward. It’s okay. That’s why indoors are big!

It also helps to have a horse whose belly routinely “bloop bloops” when it trots. Hides the body noises and moans coming from the rider! As for fart noises please note that is quite proper to always blame the horse.

Of course this is also why most of us have dogs. We can always blame the gassy smell on them.

Soon grass seed will go down, veggies will be planted and besides mowing, weeding, fertilizing and repairing chicken caused bare patches the lawn and other plantings will be good to go, and all I’ll have to worry about is going to the barn and riding…… whilst not peeing myself.

I wish you all fine spring riding and dry underwear.

Dressage For The Rest Of Us

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The good will of the horse is like the scent of a rose. Once it is gone, it is gone forever.